I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
