His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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