My underwear smells like fireworks.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
