Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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