I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
