my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
