The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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