I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
