Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
