I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
