Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
