who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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