I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
