Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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