I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
