if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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