the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
