My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i will never coherently bang her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
