Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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