I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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