Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
