my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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