As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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