fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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