Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
