so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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