You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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