took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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