1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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