I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
