I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
