I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
