You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
