I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
