I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We had to coat check the pizza.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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