i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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