I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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