I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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