Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
