Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
