a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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