She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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