Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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