I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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