Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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