she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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