and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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