I could make wine with my vomit
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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