About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
