Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
