i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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