I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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