you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You are a genius and a whore.
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