She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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