I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
