Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
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Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
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i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores