We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
