Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"