This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.